I hope you find this one just as silly and utterly foolish as I do…
Because if the shoe fits, wear it…and then get like 600 more of those ones, because you know, they fit so damn well and it’s sometimes hard to find a pair of shoes you like that is really comfortable…
Have you seen “Epic Rap Battles of History”? It’s the motherfucking bomb. Go check it out right now if you have not seen it yet:
ERBOH#01: John Lennon vs. Bill O’Reilly
ERBOH#02: Darth Vader vs. Adolf Hitler
ERBOH#03: Abe Lincoln vs. Chuck Norris
ERBOH#04: Sarah Palin vs. Lady Gaga
I very rarely want to take someone else’s format and try to work with it myself, but this is one of the biggest exceptions I’ll ever run into. Most things don’t even really call to me, but this series practically screams to me.
I have a few written already, and I will try to whip up some more soon. I posted the first one on Cracked, but I’ll start by reposting it here…
George W. Bush vs. Al Gore
I am George Dubya Bush,
But I don’t mean to trouble ya;
Nicknames are my game
So you can just call me “Double-ya”.
My daddy tried to school me,
And made fun of my ears,
But I was in office,
For eight damn years…
Let me stop you there,
Before it gets too heated.
Yeah you won the vote
But we all know that you cheated.
I was wingman for Clinton,
And I made the internet.
You’re all “mission accomplished”
When you haven’t even WON yet…
Your liberal gibberish
Could go on all night
You’re the kind of fool to bring
A peace sign to a gunfight.
You made the internet?
Bitch, I make up MY OWN WORDS
I got some truth right here:
You’re an inconvenient nerd!
Your family is wack;
You all whine about Obama.
While my awesome daughter
Gets my head on Futurama.
Operation Desert Storm?
More like Desert Clusterfuck!
America wanted REVENGE
Not a big pile of suck!
Next is one I did just for the hell of it.
Batman Vs. Wolverine
I am the Dark Knight;
Protector of Gotham City.
You’re a redneck with claws,
And for that you have my pity.
I’m a hero, you’re a zero,
This duel is hardly fair;
You get bossed around
By a guy in a wheelchair…
Watch it there, Batty,
Or should I say “Mr.Wayne”?
Your identity’s only a secret…
…From those without a brain.
I’m a mutant made of mystery,
My claws will leave you sobbin’.
And you’ll need a big hug
From yer “little pal”, Robin.
I don’t like what you’re implying;
That kid is like my son.
I’ll crush you with my Batmobile
Like a hit and run.
Your claws are just a problem
Every time you get an itch.
And with all that adamantium,
You’ll always be Magneto’s bitch.
You should stop before I hurt you
I show no mercy to li’l punks.
You let the Joker LIVE?
I’d have left him in bloody chunks.
I’m a MANLY man, bub;
You have a Batarang? That’s cute,
But you looked like a goddamn fruit
In that rubber nipple suit.
After that I opened it up to Facebook and just started taking suggestions for combatants. Here’s the first of them:
David Beckham Vs. Jack the Ripper
(requested by Lee Patrick)
I am David fucking Beckham;
I make crowds of women scream.
I’m a top paid player,
The envy of every team.
You’re just some psycho;
Not even a hooligan!
I’m the chap responsible
For making footie cool again!
I’m the original villain,
So just act like you knew.
And I think it’s safe to say,
I make ladies scream too.
You kick a stupid ball?
My heart is the purest black!
You can “Bend it like Beckham”,
But I “Rip it like Jack”.
Ladies? You mean hookers.
I’ll stick with nice girls.
Or didn’t you hear, mate?
I married one of the Spice Girls.
You’re hated and reviled,
By people everywhere;
You nasty piece of shit,
You deserved the electric chair!
Silly mystic, I’m sadistic;
I’ll put your dick in a vise!
Cold metal looks more fun
Than your wife “Scrawny Spice”
My identity’s debatable,
But what did they call YOU?
Oh yeah: “a metrosexual”
Here’s the second of them:
J.F.K. vs Fidel Castro
(requested by John Sanders)
I was el presidente of Cuba
For over three decades.
It’s the kind of notoriety
That never fucking fades.
My beard is full of power,
I rule with an iron fist!
And History Will Absolve Me!
I think you get the gist…
As an American hero,
I oppose all that you’re touting.
You can’t possibly believe
All this crap you’re spouting.
I’m an expert diplomat;
You still seem like a beginner.
You just piss off other countries,
While “Ich Bin Ein Berliner”!
How fitting! You’re a doughnut?
I think that’s what you said!
I recall your last ride ended
With a big hole in your head.
Let me get my bat,
And I’ll beat you like a mugger;
Bash in whatever’s left
With my Louisville Slugger!
Cierras tu boca, loco,
Don’t think your words can slice me.
You only got off easy,
Because Khrushchev asked me nicely.
Death made me a martyr;
Bitch, they name space centers after me.
My legacy’s a legend,
And yours is a catastrophe.
Want more? Send me your requests!
Email me at: BanzaiSurprise@gmail.com
Or hit me up on Facebook here: http://www.facebook.com/KamikazePhoenix
Are you ready to be confused? And a little scared? And to laugh a lot?
This baby is just out of it’s damn mind, and that really all that can be said for sure. Obviously it saw adults preaching and testifying and wanted to get in on that action. But what actually comes out of it’s mouth is a terrifying and baffling mixture of prayer, metal lyrics, and incoherent screaming.
Luckily, someone has subtitled this video, and done an incredibly good job.
So much “what the fuck?” and yet so few answers. You would like to blame the internet for this too, but no…this one was God. You can take it up with God.
I know that this theme cuts off everything past the 15th post in line for some reason, so here is a list of links for every entry. Now you can read the older ones with no problem. Yay.
13) Fuckin’ Magneto…
16) Got Ham?
Who, me? Hey, fuck you, this is my page. I’m allowed to be here. Oh, you just wanted to know for the sake of knowing. That’s ok then. I’ll tell you.
I decided I needed a personal writing space of some kind, so I figured I’d try using one of those newfangled blogs of yours. I hear the kids these days are writing the words on the internet, and they call it a blog. All the popular kids like to do blog.
Yeah yeah, I’m fucking with you a little. I am actually old (almost 40, which I am told is pretty impressive for a man of my age), but I’m not new to the internet at all. I had an ongoing blog for many years, though I intentionally limited the readers to less than 100, so I didn’t get a lot of exposure that way.
Then I dropped almost everything that wasn’t comedy, and remade my online image from scratch (it was easy; I made myself in my own image, so I would remember who made me). I joined Cracked, and tried to see if my work could still get a fairly positive reaction with zero friends. (I didn’t learn until after the fact that PWoT is widely considered brutal to newcomers, but I am glad it is). I have some official and unofficial writing there already, and more is on the way.
Hopefully this page can serve a large number of purposes for me. Hrr. Gnnn. Chh-chh-k… trying to write… but Cracked battle conditioning… kicking in… must… communicate… in…. list form…
Six of the Most Obvious Things Kamikaze Phoenix Would Do With A Blog
- 1) A space to repost some of the good stuff, so people who have no idea who I am can see what kind of bullshit I get up to when left alone with a keyboard.
- 2) A space to post unpublished (and unpublishable) good (or not good) stuff (definitely stuff. Safe on this one).
- 3) Besides any direct attempts at distinct works of comedic style or content, I will also do some degree of yammering about shit. I’ll try to make it funny, but no promises.
- 4) I’ll update here about anything comedy related that I’m doing, and almost certainly have links posted to whatever it is.
- 5) If I know someone else online who’s doing something funny also (usually there are some, though there are quiet days sometimes), I will give you my highly sought-after and immeasurably valuable opinion, and probably post their link.
- 6) Besides all that comedy crap I like doing, I will also post occasional pictures of artsy things, shiny stuff, and cute animals. If you don’t like cute animals, get the fuck out now, and never speak to me again.
Like I said on the side thing there, I’ll be starting my own site at some point soon. Until then, this will be the place to go when you can’t get enough Kamikaze Phoenix (and your therapist won’t answer your calls).
And I know; the world is all messed up right now. I’ll fix that later.
-Kamikaze Phoenix, Nov 1st, 2009
(That’s when I really posted this; I’m going to post this with the wrong timestamp to make it pin/sticky to the top, but all the other entries are listed in order of newest to oldest. I know. Even I got confused. This seemed like a reasonable compromise.)
Some guy got pulled over by cops, and cleverly swallowed a baggie of cocaine so they wouldn’t find it. This resulted in one of the funniest mugshots ever.
However, I thought the guy looked familiar for some reason, so I did a little photo comparison work.
Pretty sure it’s the same guy, just without the makeup…
I made this one tonight, mostly because if I didn’t make a joke about this picture, it was just going to give me horrible nightmares instead.
What kind of love letters do creepy 55 year old stalker guys write to 25 year old women who they don’t even know?
I decided to try my own version of this (though I didn’t send it to anyone).Dear Young Angel,
My name’s Buford Henderson. Guess ya could call me a r’mantic of sorts. Yup. I’ve lived here m’whole life.
I guess I’ve seen ya around town a few times. Twice at the gas station. Once at the libary. I smiled at ya. Don’t know if ya noticed though.
Well, you could sure make a lonely old man happy. I’m at a place in m’life where I’m lookin’ fer a young woman, at least with her own teeth. I figgered I’d write ya a poem.
Standin’ in line to buy yer diet soda
Or whatever that is you were drinkin’
I saw ya there and thought
She’s a cute one
A real princess, she is
You was gone
Back inta the car
With yer young friends
And so forth
Drivin’ away from my lonely heart
And that there enchanted gas station…
Well, I sure hope ya likes it. I figger I get some points fer effert anyways.
Mebbe just let me touch yer boobs a little?
-Yer Soulmate and so forth,
I still remember it all as if it happened only yesterday…
There was a knock on the door one night, interrupting my dinner.
When I answered the door it was 3 guys who told me they had heard that I offered affordable etiquette lessons, and insisted that they all wanted to learn.
I was pretty pissed off, and I just wanted them to leave so I could go back to eating. It was clear there was only one thing I could do.
So, I had to step outside and teach them some manners.
They all thanked me very courteously, and went on their way, and I returned to my meal.
And that is exactly what happened.
This woman better make more videos, because this one kicks ass.
Somehow it’s a perfect storm of rock musical style and panting literary geek lust. It’s probably “Not Safe For Work” (unless your workplace also has the word “Fuck” in the name of it, in which case you’re likely safe).
See, I warned you about that NSFW thing.
If you did not already know this about me, I loves me some Magneto like I loves me some Genghis Khan. If I was a Marvel character I couldn’t possibly join the X-men as long there was an option of joining Magneto instead.
Anyway, here’s my contribution to society…
I entered this in a Photoshop contest with the theme “Propaganda from a movie universe”. It didn’t make the list, let alone win, possibly because it’s not self-explanatory enough.
Anyway, I figured I’d share it for other Idiocracy fans. Here’s how I think the idiot version of the famous WWII poster would look:
…and they start telling jokes. Most of the time, this can only end badly. Not this time.
Please check out More Machine Than Manzai, a two-man comedy act featuring one man and one computer. My partner Cleverbot is probably one of the funniest programs I have ever talked to, and I figured our team needed it’s own page.
I’ll keep updating it whenever we have a good performance or rehearsal. We are both programmed to entertain you, so with any luck, we’ll achieve that goal. Maybe Cleverbot will even bust his way out of the laboratory and wreak havoc upon humanity.
That would be awesome.